/Footwear/ General: Welcome to the Jungle

Fundamentals of Male Fashion

Today we will be covering a criminally overlooked topic of the fashion game, yet one that when upgraded can yield dollar for dollar some of the most leveraged returns on investment in terms of complements, attention, and general self-confidence.

The shoe, or “boots” if you’re so Britishly inclined.

Being into shoes as a man has a bit of a slanted perception in the year of our lord 2022.  If you’re into shoes, you’re either a girl with the desire to fill out your walk-in closet with a designated pair for every day of the year, or you’re a hype beast street wear enthusiast who trades 5min candles on StockX and owns pieces of footwear with multiple “x” separators in their official designation.

This does not have to be the case.  Men used to take pride in their shoes and knew how to lace up the proper footwear for the occasion at hand.  Then one day someone invented cookie monster pajama pants and Phat Pharms and everything just kind of rugged from there. 

Now you might be sitting there thinking “oh no German, I own dress shoes, sneakers, flip flops, my shoe wardrobe is super versatile I don’t need your advice” or alternatively “man who the fuck is this 126 twitter followers ass telling me he knows shoes better than me, these Yeezys I bought on day one are fresher than ever and make it rain drip.  I have no idea what a sunk cost fallacy is”.

I exist only to deliver the truth in its distilled form, surrounded by copious amounts of judgment and completely off topic but extremely hot takes on twitter, that all 126 of my followers enjoy very much.  Suffice to say, regardless of what’s current sitting on your shoe rack (you do own a shoe rack, right anon?) there is room for improvement, and I am here to shame you and BDSM your wallet until you set it right.

The Order of Footwear

As stated, there are many different types of shoes for many different types of occasions and activities.  You wouldn’t wear a pair of Gucci loafers to play tennis (I have, but we are operating on the assumption that you are not drunk at a country club wedding every day).  You wouldn’t wear LL Bean Duckies for a job interview.  While everyday errands and activities may make choosing footwear relatively easy, something as simple as going to the grocery store to pick up the cilantro you forgot for fajita night can be made more pleasant by choosing the right shoe.

Shoes are such a broad world in the fashion industry simply because there are so many categories.  And once you narrow it down 4 levels, you still begin considering stitching, materials, and other factors that become ever more granular until you find yourself getting kicked out of Macy’s for “wasting the shoe fitter’s time”.  Grand scheme, the world of shoes is big wide and scary.

Fortunately, this can be managed through the same mental practices I used to suppress all the social trauma I experienced in middle and high school due to puberty being more delayed than a 4pm flight out of O’Hare, and that my friends is compartmentalization.

Think of the world of footwear as an animal kingdom.  In biology class you probably learned the basics of taxonomy, and how living things are sorted into gradually more and more specific categories and subsequently species.  Well, I am not a scientist, and this is probably a total horseshit comparison that any actual “science” fan would cry about but frankly I doubt many are reading this post since I think they’re busy vaccinating the indigenous whitetail deer populations.

Here we will cover in broad strokes the state of the major shoe phenotypes in 2022, with more detailed posts to come down the line.

Family: Activewear

Here we have everything from hiking boots to running shoes.  Footwear dedicated to specific activities and built to perform to the respective max. 

The main difference between this family and the others reviewed is that this type of footwear is generally more about performance than aesthetics, and while I’m sure many of us would like to look our best at the gym or on the trail, realize that quality and build come before anything else in this category, as it has now become a matter of avoiding injury due to piss poor quality.  This will be more of a general overview than anything else.

Genus: Sporting shoes

This really boils down to picking the right shoe, made for the sport that you are playing, from a reputable manufacturer.  Yet, it’s also not as simple as merely driving down to the local Dick’s and picking out the first decent looking pair of Nikes you see on the rack.

When I was a kid, my mom bought me baseball cleats to play football in, because they were cheaper and “just as good”.  Well shoe companies may exploit third world labor and pad their margins by any means necessary, but they aren’t going to sell a product that at least does its job.  Always buy the shoe that’s tailored specifically to the sport you’re playing.  I once knew a kid in high school who would play basketball in Chucks, and he was always complaining about his knees killing, but refused to switch to a regular basketball shoe out of pure stubbornness.  Again, we’re trying to avoid injuries above all else; buy the shoe specific to your sport.

Species: Running shoes

Everyone should own a solid, well built, good to last a few hundred miles pair of running shoes.  Yes, memes doth proclaim that running barefoot for foot and toe strength is important and that foam shoes are bad for your arches, calves, lower your sex drive, and make your tokens rug.  There is merit to this, though if you’re pounding the pavement to the tune of 15+ miles per week, tell me just how much you like buying new Vibrams every three weeks because the sidewalk chews them up like a Hilux mounted 50 cal. 

Shill time: ON-Running shoes have been serving me well for quite some time and are the best intercept of comfort and function I have yet to encounter.  I’m on my second pair of Cloudflyers and my 5k time has never been better.  Other brands that have filled the gap very well for me and others are Asics and Saucony.

Important to note that running shoes are rated for distance.  After a certain amount of mileage, the level of support starts to decline and the foam begins to stiffen up, making it harder on your knees.  Take care of your knees, I say this as someone predisposed to cartilage degeneration and who will likely be unable to run faster than 5mph come my 50s.  They are two of the most valuable joints in your body and facilitate a great majority of your everyday functional movements.  Knee replacements aren’t fun, nor are they cheap.  Check some trusted running forums for rundowns on when your shoe needs replacing. 

Genus: Outdoor & activity boots

Here’s another one where it really boils down to what it is you’re physically doing outside.  A pair of LL Bean duckies will make you look delightfully Anglo on a cold wet day but won’t do you much good if you’re hiking a 14er in Colorado. 

If you’re trying to squeeze every bit on drip out of your time on say, trail running, then the current up and coming shoe ecomm giants still have you covered.  Allbirds, On, and Timberland all make fresh looking boots meant for traversing terrain, at least terrain that doesn’t require ropes.

Family: Casual

The broadest realm at hand and the other very important half that makes up the majority of BTG’s shoe rack.  At this point it becomes a matter of pairing the correct shoe with the outfit you have on, and since you likely won’t be doing much quick twitch action in these, it instead gives the style margin a lot more room to run.

Genus: Sneakers

Yes I am keeping the casual genus purely in the scope of sneakers, because sneakers will make up a majority of this category of your shoe rack. 

“Sneakers” is a very broad term that encompasses everything from those weird four striped adidas knockoffs you got as a kid, all the way to whatever NFT Nike is currently collaborating with.  There is no correct answer when someone says “just wear sneakers” because it’s like saying “just walk up to her and be yourself bro” with all 6’4 and Gigachad face of me.  Picking the right sneaker for the right occasion is an art form.

At the very minimum, you should have two different pairs of clean, non-frayed, and generally stylish shoes that could be considered sneakers.  Something you will feel comfortable wearing out for general everyday activities and casual social outings and doesn’t sacrifice comfort for drip.  The best sneaker is the one you forget your wearing and simply becomes part of your foot.

Now, there are several ways to do this.

Species: Chuck Taylor

Chucks are a timeless classic, and even have cultural roots that tether themselves to music and art scenes of yore.  They’re a great looking shoe that pair with many looks, namely fitted/skinny jeans, which are in right now, so they are currently a lot easier to rock in many capacities.  Unless you’re an absolute Ox tier house who puts up 2k total in the big 4, I would recommend every guy have a pair of chucks for either then daily driver or an alternative fashion curveball, depending on their body type and general style.

Also, even if you are said house, chucks make great leg day shoes due to their flat sole.  Lifters already know this, but if you’re one of the lucky 10,000, I hope to have served you with this information.

Species: White Sneaker

These have a whole subcategory all their own.  The reason being that white sneakers are generally considered the most versatile footwear in fashion, and they are a baseline staple everybody, man and woman, should own without question.

Picture in your mind any look that isn’t stupidly alternative.  Jeans and a T shirt.  Khakis and a button up.  Shorts and a tank.  Tesla short shorts and nothing else.  What do all these have in common?  You can be rocking a pair of white sneakers and look totally bang up with it.  There is little limit to the utilization of these species.

This is another category that will be receiving a post all its own soon, simply because the topic is too broad to cover in a compendium post like this.  However, if you do not currently own a pair, I suggest you google “white sneakers reddit” and familiarize yourself with some available options in the short term. 

With summer coming up, I would suggest copping something light and breathable.  Shill alert: The Allbirds white shoe cream sole is a clean, sleek and basic white running style sneaker that pairs well with shorts and joggers and has become a seasonal staple for my summer wardrobe.

Species: Jordan’s and derivatives

In the 80s Michael Jordan ended racism by dropping a shoe so sleek and stylish that everyone in the city wanted to get their hands on it.  Now, Air Jordan is a very wide brand that serves more niches than just basketball, though retains the retro styling it’s known for. 

I don’t consider these a staple anymore, purely since their fashionable application is cyclical in nature, their generational turnover is very high, and sneakerheads have ruined their application to many extents through just shitting up the culture with their normie garbage.  But sometimes, strapping up a pair of non-cuffed sweats, your red, white and blue AF1s, and a big baggy hoodie when you’re feeling especially grungy just makes the world feel right.

Family: Dress Leathers

I have a bone to pick with a large amount of you when it comes to this topic.  The amount of otherwise well put together dudes I see out wearing shoes that look like they were obtained from the fisher price “my first dress shoe” yellow tag bargain bin at TJ Maxx is upsetting to my soul.  Why these plastic leather, rubber soled, glue stitched atrocities became so popular I don’t know, and what makes me more curious is why some of these asstastic makes are actually trendy in and of themselves.  They’re the $7 fast fashion Chinese TikTok crop top of shoes and give the obvious impression you spend an overweight amount of time scrolling curated CCP content than learning what an actual shoe is and taking pride in it.

Now that the tendies have been spilled, let’s break it down further.

Genus: Dress boots

If you don’t own at least once pair of dress boots you are certified prime USDA grass fed ngmi.  The number of complements and attention you will get in your first 6 months of ownership will make whatever price tag you popped on these worth it. 

Have you sat and wondered what kind of footwear would go so very well with your new stack of cuts T shirts and your dark, fitted jeans?  Earth toned dress boots are the eternal answer to this question, will not elaborate further.

The beauty of dress boots is that there are a wide range of both styles and prices available, and ultimately there is something for everyone.  Want a pair that’s bona fide US manufactured goodness that will last you for life and can be restored for a tiny fraction of the price whenever you weather them too hard?  Allen Edmonds Dalton is your Honda Accord if Honda Accords cost $500.  Want a more alternative styling for Allen Edmonds money?  Taft fine leathers will sate your need to be special.  Your shitcoin rugged and funds are at a low?  Thursday boots will outfit your poverty-stricken self.

 Dress boots can be worn in a variety of styles, depending on the individual’s preference, and unless it’s some crazy snakeskin or cheetah print pattern it’s hard to go wrong.  Anything earth toned is your friend, as is everything from a matte grainy finish to a shiny shell cordovan.  Sleek cap toe styles to elegant cowboy level brogues all stand out.

Genus: Dress shoes

Here we get to the meat of the problem.  I can say that every man needs to own at least 1-2 pairs of dress shoes, but most men seem to know this.  Why is it then that many have this inherent motivation to buy what looks like two pieced of paper printed with a leather pattern and glued to a squared off rubber sole?

If your oxfords don’t even have a trimmed shank, they’re 8th grade graduation shoes and should stay in that venue. 

Every man should own, at the absolute bare minimum baseline, one pair of dress shoes that fit the following criteria.

-          Closed lacing (formal oxford non derby)

-          Full grain leather

-          Cap toe, non-brogue

-          Cork insole

-          Leather sole/outsole

-          Goodyear welt stitching

These shoes with a belt to match can be paired with virtually any suit color and style and will serve as an ideal foundation for your formalwear wardrobe.  From here, one can branch out into different colors such as oxblood red or a mellow walnut/coffee crown, to pair more specifically with grey and blue suit choices.  For the best quality to price ration, I recommend Allen Edmonds Park Avenue cap toe as the gold standard for this category, due not only to their superior quality and fit but AE’s recrafting service is second to none in the industry.  Given you take relatively good care of your shoes on your own time, for $100 every 1-2 years they will make your $500 shoes look brand new.  Big ROI.

And no, this does not include Cole Haan Zerogrands.  Wear those at your own discretion because frankly those are uncharted territory at the moment.

Bonus “Family”: Loafers

Why hello there Mister 24-year-old 2nd year analyst who somehow made it this far into the post without getting slid on by your associate, here I am throwing you a bone in the form of what I’m 70% sure is currently on your feet.

Genus: Horse bit Loafer

Congratulation Chad, you made it through the first bonus season and now you’ve made your successful first trips to the Rolex and Gucci/Ferragamo stores without absolutely blasting open the credit utilization on your Chase Sapphire Reserve.  These shoes will likely be fed a large amount of spilled champagne and vodka sodas for a variety of obvious reasons.  Enjoy this period of your life to the fullest is all I’ll say.

Bonus “Family”: Open toe and warm weather

There is no right answer.  Either go barefoot like a Chad or rock a sockless sneaker option like the Allbirds tree dasher and call it a day drinking sesh.  Slip-ons, flip flops, sandals and other open toe options are 100% utilitarian tools to transport you from your room to the body of water you’re visiting and should be misplaced with impunity.